Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Tebow's Near Death Experience / Concussion Dream

Tim Tebow: What happened, where am I?

Angel: Heaven, where else?

TT: It looks a lot like Disney World.

Angel: That’s the thing about Heaven, Tim, it’s different for each person. Your personal Heaven has all the characteristics that you find most pleasurable and comforting.

TT: That would explain why everyone’s wearing jorts and crocs, then.
Angel: Um, yeah.
TT: Can I change how others perceive me in Heaven?

Angel: Sure, but -

TT: How do you like it?

Angel: Well, I -

TT: You're right, this is better:

Angel: Um, OK. Listen -

TT: So what's this? Picks up picture frame.

Angel: Your greatest memory.

TT: And this. Picks up another picture frame.

Angel: Your greatest desire.

TT: Um, you need to know I am not gay.

Angel: Of course not, also those are Tennessee players. And you hate Tennessee.

TT: That's right, plus gays can't get into Heaven.

Angel: Um, Ok. Hey, God's expecting you. Let's go.

A fiery chariot pulled by 4 white horses picks them up and whisks them to the throne room. They walk into a white room guarded by seraphim. A man is seated in the larger of two marble thrones, watching football on a bigscreen TV. Tebow immediately sits in the other throne.

TT: Why is God wearing a houndstooth cap?

Angel: Everyone perceives God differently. Did you grow up an Alabama fan or something?

God in the form of Bear Bryant: [deep, slow, gravely mumbling]

TT: What did he say?

Angel: He asked if you have seen the, um, Him-damn replay.

TT: Him-damn? Oh. He takes his own name in vain?

Angel: I guess in Bear Bryant form, yeah.

God in the form of Bear Bryant puches a button on the remote.

TT: Ow! So that’s what killed me, huh?

GitfoBB: [deep, slow, gravely mumbling] Holds out a glass filled with brown liquid.

Angel: He wants to know if you’d like a drink.

Tebow: Alcohol?!!? God drinks alcohol!?!

Angel: Only cheap Bourbon.

TT: That’s because I perceive him as Bear Bryant, right?

Angel: Um, yeah, that’s it.

TT: I guess that explains the Chesterfield Cigarettes, too.

GitfoBB: [deep, slow, gravely mumbling]

Angel: He says he’s sending you back. You still have work to do on earth.

TT: Like winning another National Championship?

Angel: No, Saban has a deal with the devil, nothing we can do about that. But don’t worry, after he wins another National Championship at Bama, the devil will make him pay by sending him to Notre Dame.

TT: Another Heisman?

Angel: You just suffered a concussion, your season stats are shot.

TT: A career in the NFL?

Angel: You ever considered playing tight end?

TT: What?

GitfoBB: [deep, slow, gravely mumbling]

Angel: He says it’s not football related.

TT: Oh. There must be more people to reach with my eye-black scriptures.

Angel: I don't think -

TT: OK, more mission work?

Angel: No, I -
TT: Pushing handicapped kids' wheelchairs?

Angel: Maybe but -

TT: Circumcising Filipino orphans?

Angel: Um, no.

TT: Well, what then?

GitfoBB: [deep, slow, gravely mumbling]

Angel: He’ll give you one hint. Now, back you go!

Floor of Heaven opens. Tim Tebow falls back to earth, rejoining his earthly body on the turf in Commonwealth stadium.

TT: Where am I? I don't feel so good -


  1. I'm glad you didn't include a picture of Tebow circumcising Filipino orphans.

  2. The Angel misspoke. EVERYONE perceives God as Bear Bryant.